Got Confidence?

"It's impossible," said Pride. "It's risky," said Experience. "It's pointless," said Reason. "Give it a try," whispered the Heart

At one point or another we have all lost our self confidence. There are many occurrences in life where your confidence is struck hard. Sometimes you overcome life's hardness, sometimes you get weighed down. Sometimes your courage and confidence sees you through it, but sometimes your self-confidence gets a beating. I find that is especially true if you are used to success and then suddenly you fall short.

I recently got into a car accident and although I pride myself in being an excellent driver, I found myself feeling not so driver savvy as I once did. Throughout life, we all fall short. It may be from being a straight A student and suddenly you receive your first C, or perhaps you were the top salesmen for your company known for scoring deals, and a deal you were working so hard for fell through. Or perhaps you are a great public speaker and one of your speeches did not relate to your audience as well as you would have liked it to. The initial reaction is “What happened?!” or “Why did this happen?!”  Those what, why, how, questions really have a way to damper your self-confidence and feelings of doubt and inferiority arise.

So how can you regain that lost self-confidence? I look to looking at the brighter side of situations. It’s a big pill to swallow when things don’t go the way you expected them to. For example if you have been laid off, it’s natural to feel bad for a day or two but don’t let that feeling consume you. Perhaps being laid off (although terrible) might be a blessing in disguise. When things don’t go as expected it’s a great time to review your life or skills and become aware of areas that need improvement. These setbacks can be an opportunity to start afresh and live your life a new way which is more in sync with your abilities and aptitude.  

When we don’t get the results we expect it may lead you to think “Why me?” This notion most of the time can be a result of comparing yourself with other people. Perhaps you have been preparing yourself to deliver an important report to your boss and someone who came unprepared impressed your boss more. Stop comparing yourself with other people because this will only frustrate you further. Instead of indulging in self-pity (though we all do from time to time), take control of your life and take responsibility for your actions, learn from your mistakes and make a fresh start. 


"Promise yourself, no matter how difficult the problem life throws at you, that you will try as hard as you can to help yourself. You acknowledge that sometimes your efforts to help yourself may not result in success, as often being properly rewarded is not in your control" -- Raj Persaud

The problem is not as important as the impact it had on you, but rather the impact that you let the problem create on you. In life pain is inevitable but anguish is voluntary. It's purely your choice, and whether you choose to bounce back or suffer is entirely your prerogative. Remember that there is always a way to regain your lost self-confidence. You just have to look for it by pushing through your situation, however dark that path is because finding is reserved for those who search.  

The Mapmaker

It's amazing how at one point in your life you might meet someone that will impact you in such a way where it can totally change your life's direction.

Is it random? I don't believe so. 

I believe that our life is like a map, and the ultimate mapmaker is God. He designs our map as we continually go through our life journey. He shows us what needs to be shown by placing twists, turns, and obstacles in our roads and placing us in tough terrains. By terrain, I mean a particular region that can determine the suitablity of human life. These terrains or phases in life, can sometimes be very hard to endure and walk through, but I believe that these are trials that God sets forth for you in order to mold you into who you need to be in order to achieve your purpose in life. Think of when you are on a treadmill. Why do you increase the speed or inclination? By increasing the rigor of your workout you strengthen your body and increase your endurance. More simply put, you become more fit. The same principle applies to our life when we go through tough terrains. These tough phases in your life strengthen your character and make you learn more about yourself. These phases get you more fit in areas where you were weak, so when you face tougher areas in life, you will be stronger and better prepared. With all the lessons we learn along the way in our journey we have a natural tendency to wonder, where am I heading? What’s the purpose? We all serve a purpose in life. At one point or another we question ourselves and our purpose in life. That purpose you find during your journey, which in fact is the destination in itself. 

Sometimes God will introduce new people in your life in order to shape you, by the lessons you learn from them directly or as a result of your interaction with them. When their job is complete, God may remove them from your road in order not to obstruct your path and you are free to move forward in your journey. Think of a one way road and there's a boulder in the way. You have to be somewhere important, but this boulder (perhaps a person, or an attribute where you are weak in- e.g. an addiction, or being prideful) is in between you and your destination. First thought is, "Geez, how do I move this?" You obviously want to get on your merry way! Well, I believe that either we move it ourselves if we have enough strength (strong character that resulted from past roads) to move it or God will figure out a way to move it for you (-always found comfort in that). 

"Turn all your anxiety over to God because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7  

I think one of the most wonderful things that humans sometimes take for granted or don't think about is, free will. It's been given to all of us. I believe that God is very crafty and very creative when it comes to our life map. It's filled with details that are beyond our scope of reasoning. As a traveler in your own life journey, you have the free will to choose what road to take. And sometimes a road can lead you to a fork where you may not be sure, which road to take.  At times you may chose a road with a tough terrain, which makes your life tough and can lead you to lose a lot. It's during these trials that we experience feelings of despair, hopelessness, and anxiety. These experiences test your character. You must look to your past roads and look to what they have taught you, both the successes and failures. Although successes do serve a purpose, failures serve a greater purpose. Past failures serve as reminders of the lessons we learned on how we handle and see things. For what may have defined your past, does not have to define your future. 

Although it may be hard to accept, when you learn to embrace those tough times it liberates you from bitterness and anger. They are there to serve as lessons about oneself and help you discover your purpose. Remind yourself, that your life map has been design by God and that it will lead you to become the person you are meant to be, if you only wish to learn and excel from the journey. And if you are currently in a tough terrain with feelings of bleakness, or sadness, remember that sometimes you have to lose all in order to gain everything. 

Against All Odds

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career.I've lost almost 300 games.26 times,I've been trusted to take the game winning shot & missed. I've failed over & over & over again in my life. & that's why I succeed." 

- Michael Jordan

Ever been told you couldn't do something because the odds were against you? Perhaps, it was something that was hard to do or never been done before. That mentality of "I can't, because ...." arises. 


Looking at facts is the easiest thing one can do. The great Michael Jordan in high school didn't succeed in making it onto his school's basketball team. At the time, MJ was too short to make it to the Varsity basketball team. So what was the fact? He was too short. 


But MJ, looked beyond the facts and reasoning, which I believe can be the hardest thing to do. He maintained that mentality of "I can" because he believed that beyond the obvious facts, he could make the team. Most of the time, people forget to look beyond the facts and lose the will to do something or fight for something that they want or believe in. To keep that stamina when things seem out of reach even though you want to give up, I believe is the biggest challenge. If you look throughout history, books, movies and even our everyday lives, there are various examples of people accomplishing the seemingly impossible. 


Just recently, I saw the movie "The Adjustment Bureau" and the most important thing I took away was the simple fact that, no matter if all odds seem against you, if you work for something you love dearly then anything is possible. In the movie, the protagonist falls in love with this woman who according to the plan (dictated by a character named Chairman) he was unable to be with. Agents who worked for the Chairman tried to keep the couple apart, but against all odds the protagonist decided to take a chance, risk his future and find the Chairman to change the plan. In the end, the Chairman had no problem changing the 'master plan,' because it was all a test. A test to see if the protagonist would question the rules set upon him (as many take facts and never question them) and to see how far he would go and how much he was willing to risk for something he loved. (It's a really good movie, despite my  super uber short synopsis of the movie). 


One my favorite quotes comes from Thomas Edison, who said,                                                                                                                                                     

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try one more time." 

I think we should live with the mentality of "I can" instead of I can't. The easiest thing for us to do is to give up on something that is deemed impossible or unlikely. But we must look beyond reason! And when hope is frail, look to those who have done the impossible and use it as a reminder that standards of what is said to be impossible is not set in stone, but is merely a threshold of something that is waiting to be defied. 


Be that person that defies all odds!! :0)

You See What You Want To See and Hear What You Want To Hear

Although many relationships are similar, they are all unique in there own way. 

Relationships are a fickled beast. From my own experiences and what I have observed is that romantic relationships are a popular subject that many females converse with their girlfriends- who better to turn to than your best friend? When you are experiencing tough times with the person you like or even love, you tend to resolve the conflict either by yourself or talking about the issue amongst your closest friends or family.  

A common issue that I have taken note of, is when someone who has invested themselves into a relationship, has a hard time seeing/hearing what's real versus what they want to see and/or hear.  I think we can all attest that we have gone through this. Perhaps, a friend/family has advised you about certain behaviors, which are suspicious or re-occurring actions that your partner displays. Or when you are infatuated with a person whom you like and you try to make them fit your standards.The prevailing reaction is to find an excuse, at any cost (usually these excuses sound highly improbable)- when you are placed that sort of situation, all logic goes out the door.  "Well, maybe he'll/she'll change" 

So, why is it hard to see things the way they really are in relationships? 

I believe its because we are bias when it comes to people we really care about. Facing the truth (when its not good) would hurt and sometimes leads us to the most obvious answer- that it's time to move on. And that is a daunting thought, especially if you have been with that person for a long time.  Here comes those thoughts of "what ifs" or "but just maybe with time" that linger in the back your mind.  

But having a fresh and an objective view (aka not being biased and looking at the facts) can save many, the grief that they put themselves through. Not saying taking your heart out of the equation, but be smart about your heart. Facing the truth, although hard to do, is very liberating. In the end, take the time from relationships you know are not meant to be, and give yourself the opportunity to grow and find that special someone who is right. It's your time, use it well! 

What are your standards? Roh-oh!

What's the purpose of standards? Why set them? 

 "If you don't set a baseline standard for what you'll accept in life, you'll find it's easy to slip into behaviors and attitudes or a quality of life that's far below what you deserve." - Anthony Robbins

The quote above perfectly states the importance of setting standards. Even though setting standards are not solely for relationships, they are the most transparent in them.  

Everyone has relationship standards. Each person has their limit or threshold for behavior and values, which they are willing to tolerate in a partner. Although people suffer much distress when their partners do not meet their standards, many do not identify their essential needs before entering a relationship, and sadly, some are willing to accept sub-standards treatment and conditions and remain in un-fulfilling relationship rather than insist that their needs be met. 

So what keeps people from setting a higher bar? 

I believe a common barrier to what keeps people from setting high standards is the fear of losing opportunities to be with a romantic partner. The notion of, "If I set too high of a requirement, no one will meet it, and I may end up alone." But when looking at the nitty gritty, you'll find that relationship standards are minimum requirements (fundamental needs) not a wish list (e.g. 6 foot former baseball player). These requirements are the foundations of the qualities that must be present or not present and failing these requirements might end up as a deal breaker - sort of speak. 

And why not??? Everyone deserves a healthy relationship!!! 

If you are willing to give the love, affection, respect, honesty, and hard work into a relationship, then you should feel entitled to the very same treatment in return. It is this same sense of entitlement of a healthy relationship that are the baby steps towards one. Once you feel that you are  deserving to a quality relationship, then you are free to set and demand relationship standard... after all you are worth it! 

These standards or requirements are ultimately things you want in your partner that will make you happy. Think about what characteristics are compatible with yours? What type of person will be good for your goals for your life (-this a biggy)? What do you not want (usually arises from past experiences)? All of these questions should have clear cut answers. From these characteristics you are able to set a standard. After deciphering through all these (do's and don'ts) and finally coming to what qualities you are looking for, the next big step is to employ it. 

Do not come down for anyone. Settling for anything lower than what you consider to be the best will only leave you disappointed in the end. There will be multiple chances for compromise later on, once you find a good relationship. Do not inconvenience yourself by compromising your standards before the person has even proven their ability to meet your standards.

By failing to figuring yourself out (finding out those life goals, and setting standards)  can undermine any relationship. It would be like the blind leading the blind. Relationships should be a mutual edification. Standards ensure that the relationship is going in the direction of each person's goals, and it helps each person to grow. They encourage the other person to develop into a better person. Standards and expectations are essential to any type of success in life. After all, if you do not set a bar, then how else will you know how high to jump?


:0)

Word Scrabble: Putting Meaning Behind Words

Why do we use words? 

Even in the earliest of times, people would come together to steer away from the feeling of being lonely, or to help each other hunt and gather food. Needless to say, even in the most primitive days, both humans & animals understood the importance of communication. Out of this need of communicating came about language, which in essence is a complex system of communication.But this blog isn't about giving you a linguistic history lesson. The point of this rambling is, to point out & highlight one of biggest forms of communication- speech (words, sign language etc...)- and it's importance. 

Although body language (gesture, facial expression) is one of the most talked about forms of communication, I'd like to focus on words. 


Why? 

Words create impressions, images and expectations. They build psychological connections. They influence how we think. Since thoughts determine actions, there's a powerful connection between the words we use and the results we get.The enormous power of words lies in the meaning that those words have for you and the significance it has to others. It is important to realize that what you speak should have meaning behind it (substance). What do I really mean by meaning? Well, it is something you should be able to show through action (hence the correlation between words we use and the results we get). It's like the the idiom many of you may have heard, "walk the talk." It's always easier to say you'll do something, than to actually put in the work to accomplish it.I think many times we speak for the sake of saying something and we don't realize the repercussions of our words, which go hand in hand with our actions.

So next time you speak remember to think first, what am I really saying? Are these statements or promises being spoken on the premise of substance or are they just " fluff "? Remember,we get no where in life if we use words without action.Accomplishments are always the result of action,and for that reason it's a better use of our time and energy if we use words in action.  

The Aftermath of "I wanna BE"...Now Twenty Something Years Later

"I want to be a fireman, I want to be a doctor, I want to be a lawyer, I want to be an astronaut, I want to be a singer/model/actress, I want to be...."

   Growing up, I remember being asked "What do you want to be when you grow up" all the time. Now, almost 25 years later, I have come to reflect on this question as I am now considered an "adult." But what really is growing up and what does being an adult entail? My quarter century birthday is coming up and there are still a million things I haven't done, things I feel like I should have done, but somehow never got around to doing. 

  It seems that everyone looks forward to being twenty-one - you're allowed to go to bars and legally drink. Then you spend the next few years being glad that you can go to bars and drink. Twenty-two is alright, Twenty-three is kewl, Twenty-four is fun and then BA-BAM. You turn or are turning twenty-five and suddenly, it's not so cool anymore. I mean what are the perks of turning the big 2-5? Hmmm you can now rent a car without paying more and lower car insurance. This is not what I called  thrilling or a "yippie moment." What I think of is "Oh em gee, you're only five years away from being thirty!!" 

  You start to analyze every aspect of your life. Where is it going? Or perhaps you start analyzing the person you're in a relationship with. Are they the one? If not, why am I wasting my time? I'm almost thirty! What if I'm thirty and all my friends are married and I'm not?!" You think of all the 'you're-a-grown-up-now deadlines' (marriage, home, career, babies, etc.). Chances are by now, you know several couples who are getting married and several couples who have children and you're like "Whoa, I'm no where near there!!"

   You might also start to think about all the things in life that you haven't done yet. I still haven't traveled to *insert country*, I still haven't _____. What about professional life? Perhaps the job you currently hold is great, but  is it something you are passionate about? Do you love your job? If not, then what are you passionate about? 

   Maybe this doesn't happen to everyone, but it certainly happened to me. It's the whole disparity between perception and reality thing that's got me thinking and asking; Where is my magical harry potter transformation into grown-up-ness? Why haven't I suddenly become all those things I thought grown-ups were supposed to be?

   All in all, I think twenty-five is an age where you discover who you really are. What do I mean by that? I mean finding out what we've always loved deep down; that something that makes us different from everyone else. I think as young adults, we know what our passions are, but as we get older we get so caught up in life we forget about it. In high school, most individuals don't really care about things you feel passionately about as you are still in that high school bubble. Then after the bubble bursts and you are out of high school, you might focus about where you're going to go to college or perhaps where you're going to work. You are not worrying about if your current bf or gf is "the one" or if your job is the job of your dreams. 

  But then when you turn twenty-five, you realize you have to think about these things. After all, you're reaching adulthood, which can be quite scary (yikes). In the end, those crazy/daunting questions of "What do I really want to do with my life? And is it too late to do it?" are merely concerns of the unknown. It’s never too late to switch careers, or majors or whatever it is that you want to do. My dad always told me "If you find something that you are passionate about in life and do it as your career, you won't think of it as a job and you will be the very best at it." 

 So for everyone who is going through, or will be going through some sort of quarter-life crisis (or life crisis itself) chaos, my advice is to do a few things: think back on your life and think of the one thing you've always wanted to do in life, something that you are passionate about. And then go and do it. I know it sounds easier said than done, but keeping a positive mentality will allow you to do it. It also helps if you surround yourself with people who support you.  Do what you love, do the thing that deep down you've always wanted to do. If you hate your job, find one you love. If you’re in a relationship that makes you feel like you’re settling, then don't be in it. If you want to travel, then travel! And remember that a positive mentality is the key to success. If you think you can do it, you can. 

  After all, you only live once. :0)